Willows birth story.

In light of doing Norah’s birth story I think I should do willows! I’ve talked about it briefly before but I want to put it all down.

I got pregnant in June/July after a six month break of trying due to the miscarriages and with the wedding coming up.

From day one I had violent morning sickness, I worked full time then so I was constantly running back and forth to the toilet! I used to get really bad headaches which made me throw up too, I think I lost about a stone due to all the chucking up.

This is gross but l never forget drinking a cup of tea and bringing it back up – still hot! Arghh.

I had quite an easy pregnancy, I enjoyed it and apart from the sickness in the first five months I just had low iron levels and one water infection.

There was the constant worry that something was going to happen tho, everytime I went to the toilet I would check for blood, even later on I was so paranoid.

As I was living in Yorkshire and working I didn’t really see much of my family and towards the end the trips to Birmingham where just to uncomfortable.

I worked up until around 38 week, I didn’t want to quit to early as I know I didn’t have anyone to be with at home and I would be bored.

So 40 weeks came, I was fed up. But I don’t ever remember being upset.

My friend had her baby in December and had a terrible birth, so when she filled me in with all the gory details I got a bit scared, I mean a fanny is so small and a baby is so large. SCARY.

Me and hubs had been sleeping in separate rooms because my bump was huge, at around 1am on the 5th of may (40+4) my contractions started, I text my friend (the one who had the baby) and asked her if she thought it was contractions and she told me to write down the times.

8 minutes apart, 7 minutes apart 6,5,4!!
She stayed awake most of the night texting me, she kept telling me to go and wake hubs up but I wouldn’t because I kept thinking the contractions would stop, he came in at 6am and said youve been having them for the past 45 minutes now, errrm no!! I’d been having them since 1am he just slept through my moans haha.

So we rang the hospital an they said to come up, it was all very relaxed.

I got there and a midwife called rosie examined me, I was crying with the contractions now but hubs was keeping me calm, I was quiet. So i was 1cm.

I heard the lady next to me being examined she was 8cm and not even crying or moaning!!

Rosie sent me hope with a packet of codine and said ” I will deliver your baby tonight” I was a bit sad to be going back home, I thought this was it!

I kept having contractions but the codeine knocked me out, we got back around 8am and I went to sleep until around 10.30, I woke up bursting for the toilet.

As I stood up out the bed I felt a huge pop, luckily I got on to the laminate in time for the huge gush of water on the floor!! It was like a soap opera water break I love it.

I went to the toilet and put the pad on and I noticed the my waters where green.

I rang the hospital and they said to come back in, yep waters had broke I was still 1cm, because the waters were green I had to stay in, I was happy about this.

Then my contractions slowed down, so I needed to be put on a drip, we had our own room at Halifax hospital much better then the shared one at city in birmingham.

Me and hubs both had a shower, I went on the birth ball for a bit bounced around, the. I was given the option of the epidural because the drop would bring on the pain quick so I jumped at the chance, I said all along I wanted an epidural ( if you don’t like that I couldn’t give a flying piss)

So epidural in. My mom arrived from Birmingham. We all had a go on the gas and air… It was quiet. We just waited around doing nothing except I was confined to the bed now. My mom gave me a cinnamon roll, I threw it up and she attacked me with a face full of antibacterial gel to clean me up ha!

It was the day of the elections so we were watching that, the midwives had swapped and in came Rosie! She checked me and said I was 7cm and she wanted me to go on my side, it was around 9.30pm now, I was tired and makin a fuss but she told me sternly to move my ass on to my side.. I did!

Half an hour later she come back and told me to go back on my side and holy cow she said i was 10cm and it was time to push, I pushed for 18 minutes and then she was here!!!

Such a wonderful birth, so relaxed and happy. Me mom and hubs were all crying!

Mom n hubs went home and i stayed awake all night looking at her, my pride and joy what I had been waiting for for three years,

welcoming Norah.

I gave birth to willow on the 6th of may 2010 and five weeks later I was pregnant with Norah. I don’t even remember having sex in that time, i remember saying “let’s have another” to hubs, willow was such an easy baby I thought it would be easy to have two!

At around ten weeks pregnant and with a fifteen week old baby we made the big move back to Birmingham from Yorkshire as I wanted to be closer to my mom now I had a baby.

Back to the pregnancy; every three weeks I would see the midwife, then due to having high bp ad protein in urine I had to go every week from about 17wks an every week I would get sent to hospital. It wasn’t fun sitting around with a bored baby for hours but I was worried about the baby and the midwives were just doing there jobs.

I started to put the m/w off because I was sick of the same thing every week.
I got called in after four weeks and of course got sent straight to hospital, I waited seven hours, on my own, I nearly passed out I was so hot and hungry I just got left! In the end I got my aunt to come and get me, she talked me into going to triage so I did, another hours wait we just walked out.

Another time I was sent to triage with a rash and swelling I was put In a curtained cubicle where the midwives where opening talking about all the women in the cubicles including me, “oh she got pregnant again straight away I don’t think she planned it *laughing* ” how fucking dare they? I didn’t even say anything just say there upset and alone.

I had to go to most things like this on my own because I didn’t want willow disturbed and it would offer be her bed time and I’d still not have been seen.

So overall the list of things I had been sent to hospital with were :
•swelling
•rash
•blurred vision
•high blood pressure
•protein in urine
•black spots in vision.

All signs of pre eclampsia, as I was never seen by a doctor this was never diagnosed.

One week I got sent for a growth scan as a midwife who visited me at home was worried about extra fluid on the baby.

The midwife who did my scan was one I had seen very early on for blood tests, she seemed like a right cow then but at this scan she was lovely, maybe she was having a bad day ha.

Hubs was with me for the scan, the midwife was asking us about the pregnancy and I told her how stressful it has been and that I was in every week, she thought it was strange that I had been in this much and has no answers.

There was shadows on the placenta, she asked if I was a heavy smoker ad I told her I havnt smoked a day in my life.

My mom was watching willow for us, the midwife got the doctor to review the scan, he asked me again if I was sure if I smoked erm I think I would have noticed a fag in my mouth! He didn’t seem convinced but sent me home. No answers once more not even about the shadowing. I was thoroughly pissed off with being fobbed off every week.

We got to my moms around 7pm, was just about to leave when I got a phone call from the midwife who had scanned me, she told me she went to update my notes and scanned back through them and got a doctor to read them immedietly as she had concerns.

She said I needed to be at the hospital at 8am for induction as I had preeclampsia and i should have been induced a week ago!

It was scary, but at least I knew what was happening now.

So the next morning 8am I arrived at the hospital with my cousin Sarah and hubs as they were my birth partners. The induction room was tiny, with three beds squeezed with just a curtain between. There was only room for one other than me so I told hubs to go stay with willow for a bit and come back later with some food.

I had the pesary put it at half 8 and it hurt! Me and Sarah went for a walk, read some magazines it got to four o’clock and still no movement, hubs came back and i told them. They might as well both go home because nothing was happening.

At about 7pm contractions had started thick and fast, I kept asking for pain relief but the midwife said I didn’t need it ( whatever stupid cow ) I text hubs and said I was contracting but not given pain relief he was quick to remind me women in Mongolia do it pain free ( whatever stupid prick ha)

I was only 3cm, they didnt want to take the pesary out until 4cm incase it stopped the progress, so after an hour in the birthing pool which was amazing i decided it was just to painful and I wanted the pesary out whether it stopped labour or not.

It got taken out, the contractions where still coming I was crying ad shouting I felt so bad for the other woman behind the curtain having to listen to me, it was her first baby. I don’t think I should have been left there like that.

At some point the midwife gave me gas and air, I’d been begging for it since 7pm, when i got it, it was amazing.
I was so spaces out I remember imaging this pattern and thinking “I need to write this down it’s going to make me millions” haha what the ???

At 2am the midwife came in and said she was moving me to the delivery suite, I asked her if that meant she needed I ring my husband because I thought I was going to give birth now but she said “no I’m not ringing him because you’re not even in established labour you’re just stressing the other lady out” – oh so sorry i was I’m agony how inconvenient for you!

From about 8pm I kept getting pushing urges, these urges are the only time I really remember being conscious because it like snapped me out of the trance, when I told the m/w she kept saying it was back ache. Ok who am I to argue?

I vaguely remember walking to the delivery room, I think I giggled the whole way.

I got on the bed and was left alone, at this point I had rang hubs (I have no recollection he told me after) he said I was screaming down the phone.

I was so out of it at this point, I think it was the mixture of gas and air, exhaustion and the pain. The anaesthetist turned up out of no where and then the cannula was In my hand, everything seemed to be happening without me knowing. I do kind of remember he telling me the dangers of the epidural and me just pointing at my back and saying please please put it in,

I think at this point they tried sitting me up, I got a massive gush of water – this made me feel wide awake, I was suddenly very conscious, i remember crying “I’ve wet my knickers” haha I didnt even have knickers on!

Again I had the major pushing urge, the anaesthetist was behind me now and i remember him saying to the m/w “she’s saying she needs to push” and the m/w replying “she’s been saying that for ages – its just back ache”

She reluctantly agreed to examine me, I was on my side so lay on my back and all I heard then was ” oh my gosh the head is crowing” FOR FUCK SAKE!! Just what I wanted a panicking midwife.

The contractions had been pushing the baby down fast, plus the fact is only had a baby ten months ago no wonder I had so many pushing urges.

The baby’s head came out very quickly and her body straight after.

I was fully aware of everything again now, like a switch had been turned on.

I couldnt hear any crying, I couldnt see the baby, they didn’t hand her straight to me, I caught a glimpse and she was blue. Loads of people came in, I honestly thought that was it. No one was talking to me and hubs still wasn’t there, that was the longest five minutes of my life.

The cord was wrapped around her neck, it was cut an they were rubbing her back and finally a loud cry. Best sound in the world.

Just then hubs walked in, cue stupid bitch m/w “oh you just missed it” if the placenta was out I would have got up and slapped her one.

I knew I was in active labour long before she said, and even if I wasn’t to be in that much pain and not allowed my husband there was horrible.

There are no photos of me after the birth, none of Norah fresh out of me, some one had dressed her, we didn’t have skin to skin. (I cry everytime I think about this) it breaks my heart that I can’t show her photos. There is photos of her dressed but it’s not the same is it.

Happy new year to me.

As most of you know I’ve been going through some hard times in the last few months.

My marriage was suffering because my moods were spiralling out of control, I couldn’t see that there was anything wrong – I thought it was everyone else with the problem.

I’ve been taking citalopram for a few months now, they have made a big difference. In previous blogs I said how dead set I was against medication. I don’t like taking it but it has worked, so I am happy to say I was wrong or maybe misguided.

So!, as you might know we have started trying for a baby. Well, we had unprotected sex, once. Then I realised actually, i need to lose weight first. For my health and the babies and to the benefit of the pregnancy. I’m looking at 2 stone.  I want to  lose that and be pregnant by the end of the year. Wish me luck (and send any helpful tips please)

Its been a long hard decision to have number three, we know we want one more, we don’t want big gaps and i don’t seem to be able to get work so for now i am momma, eventually i will be “more than a momma” but fuck it, whats the rush? my children will only be young once – my career can wait.

I want to say thank you to you all individually but it would take me a while, so wrap your arms around yourself and say ” i love you” and thats from me.

I’m sorry if i upset anyone through my crap venting, but lets be happy together.

Here is some happy photos of me and hubs…..

             

           

 

 

So lets see what happens next, no doubt i will moan about him, tell you i hate him and that i cant deal with his shit anymore AGAIN. For now i’m enjoying it.

So here’s to a better start, this is my new year.

N x

Scared.

I feel sick. My heads pounding.
Tummy flipping. Room spinning.

I’m fine dealing with other people being sick. I’m fine with being sick.

Its just after when i’m better it plauges my mind.. I’ll fret over it, as soon as i get on a bus or a train i’ll start to remember the loss of control and fear its going to strike me there and then.

Next week i am going on a night out… I’m getting nervous, public outing and me are not best friends which is why its not something that happends all the time.

I’m forcing myself to go because i need it and i know the lovely bunch of ladies i’m going with will understand. (I hope).

I’m making myself sick just the the thought of it if i’m honest, i cant tell if i’ve got this bug or if its my nerves.

Maybe both.

Deep breaths.

N x

Crash.

It was the day before my 16th birthday, on the saturday i was having a big party.

I got home from school and my wasnt home, i’d forgot my key so decided to go next door as i was good friends with my neighbour and she had just had her second baby.

It was about half four and it was strange that my mom still was not back, my brothers school was litterally just over a field from our house. I was abit worried but i thought maybe she had gone to get me my birthday cake (nic logic) ha.

I was holding Kane my neighbours newborn when someone knocked on the door – it was francis, my brothers best mates mom. She sometimes picked him up if my mom was busy.

She spoke to Nina (my neighbour) before me. As i got to the door Nina took Kane off me, i looked at Fran and she looked scared..

I asked her why she was upset? Whats wrong? Whats happened?

She told me my brother had been hit by a car and i had to go with her to the hospital. I was hysterical of course, i thought he was dead, the worse things come into your head.

When i got in the car his coat was in there covered in splashed of blood.

When we got to sandwell a+e i ran straight in, my mom was there she seem OK and asked if i wanted to go and see him. I went in and burst out crying again..

His forehead was split open, blood all around his mouth, he had two black eyes and his grey school trousers were ripped and there was a big gash in his leg. I had to be removed from the room because i was too upset.

I’m not sure what happened after that, i cant remember if he stayed in over night.

He was off school for a few days and he got the Lord of the rings box set.

Isnt it funny how we remember some details but not others.

This is what happened by the way;

The woman didnt stop, she was speeding on a school road at home time, he was crossing the road and just before he stepped on the curb she swerved and clipped his heal sending him hurling back across the road.

When i asked him today what he remembers about it he said all he could remember was the bright red on his school shirt, and one of the moms holding him in her arms singing twinkle twinkle until he heard my mom screaming running over the field.

The reason for this blog is because today he has finally started to have work done on his teeth, his front two teeth got completely knocked out and his jaw needs to be re-alined. He needs to have four teeth taken out , two false ones put in and then a brace.

I wonder why that woman was rushing? I wonder if she knows the pain he is about to go through?

Just another memory i wanted to share.

N x

Mugged on christmas day.

I cant remember what year it was.. Think i was about 15.

Me and my mom had christmas day on our own, my brother was at his dads. I had just started working at my first job in a pharmacy after school and on saturdays. So i’d been payed and of course spent all my wages on presents for my mom.. I think i got her a dvd.. Cds maybe some kenzo perfume or that one thats shaped like a body.. Cant remember the name.

In the evening we were going to a family friends party it wasnt far from our house. Just up the hill and onto the main road, on the main road there is a co-op and then by the road a bus shelter.

We were meeting my two cousins and a friend who was also coming at this part of the road so we decided to wait in the bus shelter.

I was carrying a bag with some bottles on wine and a few presents in, my mom had her phone in her hand and her bag on the crook of her arm, she was smoking.

Mom phoned my cousin to see where they were, he said he was nearly there. She hung up.

Then i got pushed with such a force i was in the middle of the main road. My mom shouted my cousins name because she thought it was him messing around.

I got up and i saw it wasnt, it was two hooded people, i was in abit of shock but i got up and ran back to the bus stop, the one picked up the bag i was holding and ran off with it.

The other one had tried to grab my moms bag off her arm and her phone out of her hand.

He got the phone, but then she grabbed his face (she has long nails,ouch) next thing i know shes got him up the corner of the bus shelter beating him up!

I was shouting at her to stop because he was pulling something out of his pocket as she let go he grabbed her bag an ran, she manged to run after him and fly kick him to the floor.

It was quite amazing actually. After a scuffle he got away.

Then my cousin turned up and was like what happened to you two??

It was all slow motion, it didnt seem real.

We went to the police but nothing ever came of it.

Scary to think they are still out there.

N x

BINGO

Every year since i was about 6 i used to go to Ireland to stay with my Nan and Grandad in their b&b for the school six weeks holiday.

I always looked forward to it, i used to help my nan in the morning with the breakfasts.
I remember making bread with her one time and putting it out on the tables and then hounding people until they ate it! Probably not the most relaxing breakfast for them but y’know WE MADE THE BREAD EAT IT.

They used to get all sorts of people, one man asked for tea and cornflakes. He got his cuppa and then put the cornflakes into it and drank it. Odd.

I remember a chinese lady knocking the door late one night, she had a young child. The b&b was full but my nan couldnt let the woman go so she gave up her own room and we all bunked down in the living room.

Another fond memory of mine would be going to bingo on a Friday and Sunday at sea point bingo salt hill.

It wasnt just the bingo.. It was the arcades and my nan on the teddy grabber machines, i swear she was some amazing skills she always won. (Put her money in at the right time ha )

So we’d do the arcades then go upstairs into the big hall, all you’d hear was people talking lots of voices moaning that they better win or slagging off somebody that won big last week.

We had our table, it was the same table every time for all the years i went it was always the same.

Sometimes my Uncle would come with us, he has schizophrenia but you wouldnt know at bingo. Too busy concentrating on the numbers!

Thats what i love about it really, for me its a social nightmare that many people, all the noise and stress. But its not because your keeping your eyes on the card.

I think i had one panic attack at seapoint when i was abit older.. But it didnt last long after i was given a kimberly biscuit.. They fix everything.

My nan was like ‘what the feck is wrong with ya get a biscuit down ya neck’

Ok then nan!

In the later years my nan had suffered a few strokes and lost all her memory of numbers.. So bingo was out the window really but we used to go just for the social side, i’d play she’d sit there with joespehine laughing and getting i trouble they were like big kids!

Then my Grandad would collect us at the end of the night – it would be a big rush to get out before everyone else.

Oh i remember one time before we went to bingo my grandad having a nap and my nan waking him up like ten minutes before we had to be there ive never seen a man move so quick in my life, sitting in the back listening to him ranting and raving and his hair sticking up in all directions while my nan just pissed herself laughing. Very funny, i’m sure she did it on purpose!

Oh there are so many memories i could talk about but i’d be here forever.

Me and my mom went to bingo last night, it felt a bit sad because it reminded us of Nan. We both said how she should be with us, not in the nursing home. But she’s not well enough now, she wouldnt enjoy it.

It was good fun. Its good revive memories even if they spark some sad emotions.

N x

Father unknown.

I’ve never met my dad,  never ever. I don’t know what he looks like, i dont know his voice and i don’t know my brothers and sisters. i do know his name.

 

When i was younger this bothered me so much i always used to question my mom about it but she couldnt really give me any answers because she didnt know him anymore.

 

This is the story i have been told;

When my mom was at school she was dating my dad, my dad was also dating another woman.

The other woman got pregnant a month before my mom did.

No body told my dads parents, and when they did it was my dad and it was with the other woman.

So my mom got left behind with a bump, she went to se his parents and My dads dad vowed to make sure my dad would be in my life and support my mom finacially.

 

This never happened. We never heard from them again.

 

Then i started secondary school.

 

After a few weeks i got home from school and my mom told me that i had a step brother i the school.. the other baby.  So after some inspector nic style research i found out his was in the same class as my cousin( a year above us)!

i debated for years whether to say anything, i think he was unaware but i can not be sure.

Then he was in the last year and i thought this would be my only chance.  So i asked a friend to go and get him.. she came back with the message that he didnt want to know me because “it would change to much”.

 

I wasnt upset just a bit disappointed.

 

Oh another thing what  happened in the mist of them years: i was at a pub with my mom and the brother turned up, then my dads parents did.. my mom said it would have been for his birthday. As most of you know i am quite gobby – so i shouted ” HELLO GRANDAD NICE TO MEET YOU” – thinking they would ignore me, my grandad came over and tried to shake my hands he said ” i know who you are”. i refused to shake his hand and walked away.

 

Thats the only words he ever said to me, i heard last year that he died.

 

When i got married apprently my dad heard about it and had the nerve to ask a mutual friend of my mom and his who was walking me down the aisle.

i dont know if somebody just made that up.

Other things i have heard;

• he has over 20 children
• he had a vesctomy and then had it reversed so that he could father a child of a millionaires daugther and be in line for inheritacne, and that he changed his second name to hers.
• that he had kidney failure or something like that.

 

So its all abit odd really.

Lately i have been contemplating trying to contact him i spoke to my mom and she said i should wait till he is in his 50′s lol what the fuck.

 

I dont really want to go through her as i think it would be hurtful, i’m not doing it for any gain. i just want to know the body the me sperm came from.

 

And also to let him know that he has two beautiful grandchildren, he let me down maybe he could in some tiny way make up for it with them.

 

A second chance?

 

If anyone reading this has any info on how i could contact him or find out information i would be really grateful. i don’t want to do this on my own!

 

 

N x

Mental.

The day i’ve been dreading came, i wished it would stay still forever but time waits for nobody.

As usual i put my life on twitter and got some great feed back on how to deal with the doctor.

I wrote all of my problems down in simple bullet points – so that i actually said what i feel is wrong instead of coming out feeling like i shouldn’t have gone and all my “problems” are trivial.

This time i was prepared.

The doctor came out and shouted my name i walked in the room and said i had a list and that i would read them off to him, i got to the third one and started crying.
I gave willow a bananna to distract her , Norah was fast asleep.

He said “you need councelling” and i said “you told me that last time, i dont want counselling because i have nothing to say i cant explain the way im feeling because i dont know”.

He proceeded to tell me i am mental and that i need psychiatric help and nobody could help me unless i have the counselling. Then he picked up the phone and started shouting to the receptionist that how was he supposed to deal with ‘this’ (me).

Next he said to me ‘this is not my problem i can’t deal with you’.

I went a bit ballistic and said it was his job to ‘deal’ with me and if he doesnt think so hes in the wrong profession. So then he did me a script for some medicine and with no explanation sent me to sort it with the receptionist.

I went to her and she said “he has refered you for councelling”, i told her not to bother and asked why isnt he listening to a word i say?

Most doctors surgery receptionist are horrible but mine, V, is lovely. Because she was so nice i just broke down, sobbing infront of a packed waiting room and my two babies in the pram. I’ve never been so humiliated in my whole life.

Out of no where a really nice woman sat me down and asked what was wrong and tried to calm me down. I told her about the Dr and she said he was a wanker – i agreed and laughed.. Started to calm down.

In the mean time V had rang for the Health visitor to come. When she got to me she asked what was wrong and i told her the doctor was a stupid bastard who didnt want to listen, she burst out laughing and agreed with me i felt instantly at ease with her, i love it when you have that with a stranger – feels like you’ve known them forever.

I passed her the list and she handed me a questionaire which had questions like “do you find it hard to laugh at jokes” or something my eyes were teary so i’m not 100% sure. Most of the boxes i ticked were ‘defiently more now than before’

She told me i scored 22 out of 30.

Anything above 12 is classed as Post Natal Depression.

I asked her if that meant i was mental and she no, and she couldnt believe the doctor said that.

She went on to tell me that counselling is not the only option like the doctor had made out, and that she will give me the support i need in any way she can.

She told me writing a list was the best thing i could have done.

I want to thank @cooda for that great advice, i wouldnt have done that before she said and i would still be in this black hole of doom.

Today is the day we move forward, HV is coming to see me on friday.

I just want to say i know counselling works for some people but its not for me, i know it is a great help to the people who it does work for and i do not think there is anything wrong with it at all, it’s great. I think mainly i don’t like it because all my life people have tried to push it on me and some people even take it upon themselves to try and counsel me i dont know why, maybe self gratification.

I know my own body, soul and emotions. I went back to the doctor because i knew i was falling deeper in than i could manage with by myself, i always said i would ask for help when or if i got to this stage.

I am devastated my children saw me cry. I will never let that happen again.

I will make a complaint about the Doctor.

N x

I don’t know.

I don’t know if i’m ok.
I don’t know how i feel.
I don’t know why as soon as i get into bed i’m wide awake.
I don’t know why i feel so sad.
I don’t know how i’m not really happy.

I have all the pieces of the puzzle to make a happy picture.

Why doesnt it feel like that then?

I need help and advice but i don’t know where to start.

I have bouts of happiness and then am so down that i just mope.

It’s so confusing my brain is telling me i’m happy but i have a nagging feeling that i’m not.

Its nothing i can put my finger on.

I wish i knew.

N x